Confessions of a Tennage Vampire Boy
by Pugsgirl4
Summary: Sexy Edward strikes again.
1. Thirsty For Humans

"My creative juices are poisoned." Breathed Edward. He leaned in to Jessica. Once again he was in to seducing humans now that Bella was a vampire, and therefore useless. Humans were like a drug to him. You don't think Bella was the first human he changed, do you? Of course not. Sara Baker? Vampire. Dolly Parton? Vampire. Jobyna Ralston? Vampire. Fat Albert? Shockingly, also a vampire. He had a phase of man liking to back in 1976. 90% of politicians are also vampires. Jasper also had a man-liking phase. (don't tell Alice) Bill Clinton; that was a long affair. George Bush, the 1st and 2nd, Al Franken were all included in the long, long list of man affairs committed to by Jasper and Edward. The women politicians included Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, and Condoleezza Rice. Britney Spears? You know it. Vampire.

Jessica licked his sparkling chest as it made fake Dora and the Ice Princess type of glittering noises in the background, coming from who knows here. "You taste like cupcakes, my wigglepuss."

Edward grinned at the compliment. His peachy cheeks lifted, reddening slightly like cherry pie made by a six year old in an Easy Bake oven.

"Oh do I know that."

"Do you use that on all the girls, Edward?"

"Yes."

"I don't mind, wigglepuss." Jessica tackled him like a not so gentle lover.

"YOU SMELL LIKE FRESHLY SHARPENED PENCIL, MY LOVER."

She exclaimed.

"Quiet! Don't wake the birds!" Whispered Edward.

Edward looked around the meadow thinking about all the memories he's had there and all the people he'd taken. All the girls…AND the boys he had followed to his special place to conduct love affairs and watch him shimmer with the morning's glow.

It was getting dark, so he headed home, leaving Jessica with only half her blood left and a scar in her wrist. He had an…appointment at Angela's house this evening. Thirsting for the sweet red liquid that filled veins, he licked his chompers, thinking about the hot liquid he would soon consume. Venom spewed from his razor sharp K9s, the white juice dousing his new cashmere sweater that he had stolen from Rosalie. It was ridiculously low cut, and showed off his curves quite well. Chest hair poked out of the neckline. The preceding night he had put on a patch to help them grow longer and more lusciously.

Angela fell out of a window and was bleeding on the cold frozen pavement. Edward, licking one of Emmett's favorite frozen boar's blood popsicles, was riding to the scene on his new blue and shiny tricycle and stopped when the enticing scent of her spilled blood attacked his stuffy breathing holes filled with succulent locks of hair and boogers. He leaned down and started wildly panting and scraping the almost dried blood off of the flat surface.

Carlisle was riding by on a Harley Davidson when he noticed the vulgar scene.

Angered, he revved the engine and drove full speed ahead, directly toward the dying girl and the blood thirsty boy.

Running both over with his now soggy wheels, he drove off into the sunset.


	2. Escape From Africa

Carlisle had been riding off into the sunset for quite a while when he realized that he would never actually reach it. So he took a detour and headed towards the Atlantic Ocean. Finally in New Jersey, making only one pit stop in Sheboygan, Wisconsin over a time lapse of three years, he found himself quite famished.

After his hunting fest came to a conclusion (with a nice grizzly bear nestled deep in his stomach), Carlisle continued his journey over the ocean on the Cullen strait, a land bridge formed by his ancestors. Barely traveling an inch on the thin rock, it crumbled directly beneath his wheels. His body shot to the mid ocean ridge, where hydrothermal vents blasted him back to the surface.

Carlisle shook the water off his head, and felt something sucking on his foot. Huh. Pulling as hard as he possibly could, the creature released. It was a Dumbo octopus from the deep sea! He had learned about these at his night classes. Stuffing it in his ever so cute glittered clutch, he stood on the water as all vampires could do and took of to Africa. The wind blew threw his luscious blond locks as he ran at super speed, but settled back into place when he arrived at his destination.

Finally on shore, he saw some native vampires dancing around a fire. They had small clothes covering their bodies and paint in designs of cats printed on their noses, shoulders, and chests.

Carlisle approached the strange immortals. He knew they were vampires because there was a sign outside of their huts reading "BEWARE! We are vampires!"  
"Greetings, fellow natives. I come in peace as a fellow vamp. My name is Carlisle Cullen, or Wicky CC, as they call me." He imitated Chris Brown's notorious heel- rock and moved his arms in a wavy, octopus type fashion.

The clan of African vampires watched him intently, confused and somewhat frightened.

"Ichilaboo." The lead vampire stated. His dreads waved with the wind's blow.

"Excuse me?" Carlisle cocked his head.

"Oyeya Kumba Baba De Le Shio?" The leader inquired.

"Eh?" Of course, Carlisle was clueless.

"Ehh!" The entire tribe chanted in unison with grins. As they marched away, Carlisle was left alone, feeling quite retarded. After a few seconds of this puzzled state, the leader turned around and ushered for him to tag along.

Following behind him, Carlisle examined the native. About…sixty five years old…strong build…overall, he found the leader, well, attractive. He dreamed of his handsome face, soft skin…

Suddenly they were inside the hut. The inhabitants of the room included the leader, a skimpy African boy with big lips, and his self. The others had disappeared into other homes.

"I be Ichilaboo. And dis es Toby, me apprentice. We all togethah be the Oyes."  
Carlisle was beginning to get it. "I see. But I do not understand your culture and language…" He attempted using hand gestures to get his message across.

Ichilaboo chuckled and said calmly, "We have been heah fo dozens of centuries. Eva since me son Laurent died, we have been considering a change in location."

Having been gazing into Ichilaboo's eyes, Carlisle snapped back to reality. "Wait, hold up." He said, rewinding the conversation. "You're LAURENT's father?" He shrieked.

Ichilaboo cocked his head again. "Cantala?"

Carlisle couldn't resist his face. He couldn't hurt him. It might ruin their possible relationship!

"Nothing. I- I think your tribe seems very…lovely." Carlisle winked at Ichilaboo, and to his surprise, the leader winked back. This could mean something…


	3. An Interrupted Love Fest

Carlisle and Ichilaboo lay on the beach together with their hands intertwined, watching the sunset. It had been about a week since Carlisle had landed in Africa.

"Oh, Carlisle." Ichilaboo whispered romantically.

"It's so nice here." Using the latest _CosmoGirl_, the couple picked out the best tasting lip gloss. Due to the assortment of flavours, the meeting took hours, and they didn't even notice the darkness.

"Especially with you around, me lovah." Ichilaboo reached his hand up to Carlisle's face and gently ran it across his cheek. They both leaned in to what would be their first kiss, but before their lips locked, something washed up ashore.

They turned to find a werewolf on a strong raft, asleep. Carlisle looked up to see a full moon, approaching the creature with Ichilaboo at his side.

"State your name."

The wolf didn't budge, but to their pleasure, Toby came running from his hut. The adults in the tribe followed, leaving the children to rest.

"TOBY." Ichilaboo ordered, "Awake him."

"Kunta Kinte…" Mumbled Toby under his breath, but nonetheless, the skinny boy obeyed his command and retrieved a stick.

"ACK!" Screamed the wolf, when the branch struck him. "Stop it, you bog heads!"

The werewolf morphed back into human form, and everyone was astonished.

It was Edward…

Naked! He had made a peculiar change from a vampire to a werewolf when his skin absorbed Angela's blood after they had been mashed by Carlisle's motorcycle.

Everyone's jaws dropped open so far they literally hit the ground, impacting their organs in the process. Not to mention their eyes popping out of their heads (literally).

Edward raised one eyebrow, looking at all the African carcasses before him, along with Carlisle. How was that even possible? Looking closer, he noticed a knife in Carlisle's throat. It distinctly reminded him of Madam Butterfly. Ah, the Cullen sacrificial suicide knife. Of course. While he was keeling, Ed swiped Dumbo from Carlisle's clutch (He would consume this later).

Standing up, he noticed something moving in the distance. Children?


	4. The Mermaid Oasis Scandal

"Mmm…" Edward rubbed his stuffed stomach, filled with the little African cherubs he was to digest and dispose of.

He thought he was alone the entire time he dwelled on aloof the shore of Africa. But alas; this was not the truth. The night on which he arrived had been a full moon (well, there was actually 2.3334 millimeters of the moon shadowed by Uranus, but that is a matter of minor importance). And when the moon is full, of course, vampires cannot die.

So over the month in which Edward had thrived on the not- so- abandoned beach, the vampire corpses were slowly awaking from their deep slumber.

Edward was dancing along the sand in only a loincloth covering his doodle, filled with glee. Deer and squirrels followed behind, admiring his flower garland which was waving in the wind. It was then that he noticed them arising.

"OH MY GOODNESS, OH MY GOODNESS, OH MY GOODNESS!" exclaimed Edward. He dropped his picnic basked and witnessed the scene, speechlessly.

"HRMF." grunted Carlisle. He looked around and gasped, seeing his significant other. "Ichilaboo!" He pumped his chest with power and gave him mouth to mouth (which Carlisle enjoyed quite a bit).

"KENYA!?!" screamed Ichilaboo, and noticed Wicky CC hovering above him.

"Ehh, me baybayy." The accent melted Carlisle's heart, and he couldn't help but share his emotion with a kiss.

Breaking into a grin, he glanced up at the sun, but something was blocking it; or rather, _someone. _

Edward.

"Carlisle…YOU'RE GAY?"

Carlisle leaned in to kiss Ichilaboo in front of his son. He thought it was the easiest way to break the news.

At that very moment, something darted in from the water at light speed behind them, but Carlisle did not want to stop.

"CARLISLE!" screamed a woman's voice.

It was Esme.

In an instant, Carlisle and Edward alike found themselves in the deep ocean waters. Esme tends to get violent when she's angry.

But these waters were not what you would expect. There was some sort of light…they were in the midst of a mermaid oasis.

While Carlisle was distracted by a handsome looking merman at the mer-bar (who would later save him by turning him into a merman due to lack of oxygen), Edward saw someone that looked familiar. It was Bella!

As a mermaid! Making out with another merman!

Edward was furious. He attacked the sexy beast in an evil man hug, digging his K9s into the handsome man's neck.

"Steve! No!" Bella screeched.

Instantly, Edward became a merman of unmistakable beauty.

"What are you doing?" demanded Edward, rearranging the stunning man- fish's face.

Bella bit her lip and thought of a brilliant idea.

"I was raped!" she exclaimed.

"You can't keep using that as your excuse, Bella." Edward continued to destroy the merman, and then tossed his body into the nearest dumpster when he was through.

Oscar the Grouch emerged from can, hurling the body onto the mer- street then nestling back inside.

Edward took a deep breath and calmed down. Taking Bella's hand, he lead her into the middle of the street.

"Let's lie down in the middle of the intersection and call it romantic."

"Sure." Bella replied softly.

They lay on the mer- road for exactly four hundred and twenty two of Edward's breaths. Bella had counted, like she always did.

"Renesmee is here!" Bella exclaimed, attempting to break the silence. "Come." She stated.

A creature swam quickly to them through the crowds of the city, and it was very strange looking. "Renesmee?" Edward assumed. It had half a mermaid tail with one leg, gills and scorching red eyes beneath a thick coat of fur. What had happened?

"Our daughter is hideous!" Edward shrieked. "Why did you do this?"

Gasp! Using her new mermaid powers, Bella chucked a dolphin at his wretched face.

-to be continued-


End file.
